Deep Waters

Twelve years ago, Steve and I "spent" five years' worth of slowly-collected skymiles to fly down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico to celebrate 5 years of marriage. For our honeymoon, we'd stayed in a humble little old cabin in the Rocky Mountains (Getting married at 22 years of age after just graduating from college didn't give us a lot of "play money," but we were married!!!), so we were pretty excited to have landed a snazzy trip down to a

fancy resort-- for a really good deal! Though it was an anniversary trip, we weren't quite ready to leave the newest member of our family home. So, we had a cute little blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy in tow, and you better believe he was an adored little man at Rancho Banderas for the week!

One day, we decided to take a boat ride out to Islas Marietas off the coast of Banderas Bay. It seemed like a perfectly good idea. Snorkeling in the beautiful waters bordering a tiny island. A small fishing boat, a skilled young boat driver, and a 5 mile ride out into the ocean. With our 11 month old baby boy. And a lot of waves. On a tiny fishing boat. FLYING over said waves. And no baby-sized life jackets. What seemed to be an extremely

This was before the ride began!

adventurous and fun excursion quickly turned into one of the most terrifying stretches of time in my life! I squeezed Ian in my arms as we lurched back and forth over the waves--trying as hard as I could not to imagine the "what-if's" of little Ian flying out of my arms and sinking into the depths! By the time we made it out to the island, the driver couldn't actually pull onto shore (he didn't have rights to the beach area), so he just kept the boat floating in the deep waves. We were to just jump out of the boat and snorkel around. Steve and I took turns, but I was already so stressed and nauseous that I couldn't even get my breathing calmed down enough to take much of a peek around beneath the dividing line of oxygen and H2O. I pulled myself back into the boat and grabbed onto Ian once again, praying we could just be back to shore.

Obviously, Steve, Ian, and I all survived to tell the story!  It is a story that still sends shivers through my body when I think about it!

I find myself riding on some pretty deep waters once again. This time, the waters look a lot different though. They are waters that surround a new life growing inside of me! Yes! I. Am. Pregnant. Again!

I knew since the week after I birthed Isaac's still body last September 1st that I just couldn't end pregnancy, childbirth, and "baby-land" that way. I knew I really wanted to be pregnant again, but there was no hurry for that. I've been on a journey into the depths this year, and as difficult as the journey has been, it's a journey for which I am so thankful. (More on that in another blog one day!) I have in no way wanted to rush toward a "solution" for my aching in order to somehow avoid the deep wrestlings of my soul. I knew that grieving well was (and will be, I suspect, for the rest of my life) super important. A lot happens between the fall and the springtime in the dormancy and life of a seed, right? A transformation happens, and the Lord assured me that the dormancy was a really good thing for me.

Remember the cocoon I wrote about? I feel like that cocoon is cracking open slowly but surely. Actually, in the springtime, I began feeling that I was starting to see the light once again-- albeit through a tiny crack in the edge of my figurative cocoon. In May, the Lord carried Steve and me through a hard little season of wrestling through what was to be next in terms of our family. Then, in June, we had a really, really fun (and I might add~ productive!) time celebrating Steve's graduation from Fuller Seminary out in Pasadena, California. On June 27th, we found out that we're expecting again! I'm no spring chicken, so it's a gift that I got pregnant in 1 month's time! We were a bit shocked and excited all in one! The day after we found out, the Lord woke me up with this scripture:

 [He] satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:5

 It's hard to put into words the immense pain of birthing a stillborn child unless you're a mom who has walked this hard journey. Likewise, it's hard to express the array of emotions surrounding carrying another child after walking through such deep loss. Excitement. Sheer awe of the privilege of carrying another child. Tears just thinking about hearing this baby's newborn cry for the first time. And let's just be honest. Down-right FEAR. So the verse above? It's a verse I keep going back to as the tumultuous waves of fear like to rear their ugly peaks in my heart and mind sometimes. Yes, He satisfies our desires with good things so that our youth is renewed like the eagle's. The first half-- yes, Lord. And the second half of that? I've often felt like a crippled, old, wrinkled lady through my months of grief, and He's reminding me that He is renewing my youth!

A friend of a friend of mine has a beautiful blog, and she's expressed so much of what I've thought and felt (I hope this is ok with you, Kate who I've never met!). One day her blog was titled, "When My Fear Encounters My God." In it, she writes, 

"But what happens when the thing you fear is not irrational but rational? What happens when the thing you fear has happened before and there is no calculated or determined reason why, therefore no way to prevent it from happening again... like the death of a baby." She goes on to say, "The answer for me, right now, today, is that I can face my fears with confidence because I already know the end of the story. I already know that victory and rescue are waiting. Love is waiting. Hope is waiting. The light that no amount of darkness can penetrate is a lantern in every opaque night ahead of me. The goal is not "do not fear," but rather, face this present fear with courage, hope and trust in the 100% totality of Jesus and let the peace of Christ transcend all my human understanding. One of two realities will always be true.... Jesus will either extinguish my fear or hold me in the storm, and in both cases, my chant is clear, my confidence is singular... He has overcome! Peace is not a feeling. It is a reality you come to know when trembling in the arms of the One who is Peace. Peace is a person."

Of course, multiple times in the Word, we are told, "Do not fear." But I think that's because fear is a logical consequence of the brokenness in which we live. God knows this, and He continually reassures us that He is WITH us. I read a book by Sheila Walsh called Extraordinary Faith 10 years ago. I really resonated with her definition of faith. She said something to the effect of, "Faith is my soul's unswerving gaze on Christ no matter what the circumstance." It made so much more sense to me than the often-times "name it claim it" theology of faith that tends to float around our American culture. It's resonated a lot with me this year, and it resonates deeply now because what I really KNOW is that Jesus is truly, deeply, and intimately WITH me. No matter what. Jesus is worthy of my soul's unswerving gaze.

The Lord placed a rainbow in the sky directly out our hospital window the morning after Isaac was born. We're holding onto His goodness and His promise and asking that this our 5th child would be a healthy, strong little one who is full of the peace of God- so much so that he/she will just announce peace with his/her presence. (That might sound wierd? But it's what the Lord has had me praying over this little one!)

What I know deep in my bones is that no matter what, He. Is. With. Us. And He is near.
Thank you Jesus for this new little gift!

Coming around March 7th, 2015!!!

     

We found out while we were at the beach with my family, so here's how we revealed the news to mom and dad! We made a pregnant sand lady. HA!

Deserts Will Bloom

I'd like to start this post by letting you all know how deeply grateful I am for you, my friends, my readers, my prayer warriors. When I DO write, it's because I know that writing forces me to seriously wrestle with what's going on deep inside of me and to put words or pictures to those deep places. It's helpful for me because so much of the time I'm just plain busy. And I think that all of the rumblings in my brain will somehow magically just stay there in my "endless" memory bank. Ha! If you've ever been on your own journey of grief, you might have experienced something similar; I feel like I've lost half my brain since Isaac went to heaven. (My memory is something I pray that Jesus will restore, because it really IS extremely fuzzy at times.) Anyway, please know I am incredibly thankful for you!

And apparently, this post was going to be about deserts blooming, but I never finished it after starting it in June or July sometime. I guess what I really needed to say was THANK YOU. I'll be writing again soon. :-)