In Honor of Isaac on his 3rd Heaven Day

If you've ever gone through serious grieving, you know that there is a constant rush of thoughts careening through your brain. Sometimes you want to shut down and just NOT think about what you've lived through, but as long as you're alive, your brain keeps working! LIFE is, after all, a gift! Anyway, I desperately wanted to be able to push “record” and somehow have the entirety of my experience- my thoughts, emotions, feelings,- every detail- etched in stone. The sights. The smells. The sounds. The weight of him in my arms. The way he smelled of newborn baby after delivering him. The what-became-20/20-in-hindsight whispers from Jesus leading up to the day I delivered him. All of it.

In lieu of a “record” button, I wrote throughout the fall of 2013. I wish the writing could capture it all. Alas, I have my heart, and where the written words fail, I'm thankful my heart seems to weave together a tapestry of photos, words, and emotions.

I love you forever, Isaac Joseph, and I anticipate the day I can hold you again. Happy 3^rd Heaven Day, my 4^th son.

In honor of Isaac's 3^rd Heaven Day, I thought I'd share some of my writing from that fall of 2013. Some of it you may have read since I incorporated some of the social media posts I was making along the way to communicate with our beloved community. So, pardon if it reads a bit choppy for that reason. My prayer is that you will be encouraged in your journey toward Jesus, and that you'll see the beauty of responding to His nudges. Truly, you, our community, our people-- the body of Christ!!-- were used by our almighty God to support us in a way that is more profound than I can begin to express. Thank you.

The dark night of my soul.

The dark night that gave way to deep, deep Light amidst it all.

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September 3, 2013

Four and a half days ago, my world was rocked. I will never be the same. What went wrong, sweet baby boy? What went wrong?

A couple weeks ago at church, we sang this really beautiful song. We were there worshipping our forever King. Sometimes you sing a song and don't really focus in on every word. Well that day, though I'd sung it before, God had me really focus in on one phrase. That phrase was, "Valleys make room for the river of God." I stood singing, contemplating the truth of that phrase. I had no idea that God was going before me/us for the events that have unfolded---events that are a result of living in this fractured kingdom. When we found out last Thursday night, Aug. 29th that our son [at 30 weeks gestation] was already in the arms of Jesus, I understood why the Lord had so impressed my heart with that song.

There's more to the story; a whole lot more. The intimate, loving detail with which God has poured Himself into us over the past week has been nothing short of breath-taking. Are we hurting? Do we weep? Do we long to see Isaac? YES. But I keep choosing to see the goodness of God all around me in the middle of it all. THANK YOU ALL for praying for us, for weeping with us, for cooking, cleaning, cutting our hair, sharing scriptures that the Lord gives you for us, for blessing our boys with treats that have especially ministered to them. The Body of Christ is amazing.

September 8^th, 2013

(A thank you note I wrote to my dear friend. You'll see why...)

Jessica, THANK YOU for sending that CD over to me last Sunday morning as we started labor.... I had meant to specifically ASK Wendy to figure out that song and put it on a mix, but I forgot to ask her for that detail. I started weeping when i saw the song title, “Never Run Dry” on the Nate Moore CD you gave us. And of course, that's why we asked Amanda to sing that one! See what I mean? God has been so in the details! And Nate Moore-- You may never know how deeply God has used your entire CD to carry us through this "dark night of the soul" week in our lives. THANK YOU.

Jessica's response to me: Oh wow. Heather, I am only just learning now that you were going to ask Wendy for it. That is truly amazing. I felt compelled to ask Nancy Moore for a copy late Saturday night. Thanks to Nancy for bringing it to me Sunday morning. Thanks for delivering it, Paul Vaughan. Thanks for writing truth, Nate Moore. Thanks for sharing your faith, Heather.)

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I'll be posting more of my writing, little by little. I believe so strongly in sharing our stories; if we choose the path of vulnerability, we not only open the door to our own healing, but we invite others on the journey toward healing as well.  

Later today, we'll head out to Honey Creek Woodlands as a family. We'll share some tears, because wow, do we miss getting to be in the front-row seats watching our little man grow up! But we'll also laugh together, eat some rice krispy treat birthday "cake," and remember the kindness of God to have opened our eyes more fully to His intimate presence in our lives...even through the darkest night!

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness;

the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.

I remember it all-- oh, how well I remember--

the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there's one other thing I remember,

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

GOD'S loyal love couldn't have run out,

his merciful love couldn't have dried up.

They're created new every morning.

How GREAT your faithfulness!

I'm sticking with GOD.

Lamentations 3:19-24

The Message

I Have Seen the Signs of Spring...

This.

I have seen the signs of spring.

It's the 27th of August, and though the day was Tuesday that world-rocking week in 2013, we're in the week. I remember waking up that morning with tears in my eyes and choking out a quiet, "Lord-- please don't let this be the hardest season of my life..." Two days later, we got the news.

Somehow I haven't made time to sit down and write all of the overflowing joy that bubbles and bursts within me since Moriah's incredible birth! Suffice to say I've had a bit going on with children from newborn to 14 years old! Perhaps I'll allow the incredibly (over?-)abundant onslaught of photos on Facebook to do the speaking for me.

She is this.

She is a sign of spring.

Photo credit: The Amazing Christine Cliatt

I've listened to songs about the Lord crowning us with beauty instead of ashes. My Tyler sang one of them into my ear as he helped dry my hair while laboring to birth Isaac's body into this world (Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor). I've reflected on Isaiah 61:1-3. I'd sensed all along that God would give us another child- "beauty out of the ashes." But I've had this knowing that Moriah would never replace the mark Isaac left. At the same time, I've pondered the idea that she is beauty out of the ashes while Isaac isn't here with us. Without Isaac, there likely wouldn't have been Moriah (Steve wanted 2 kids, I wanted 4, and we've had 5 now!).

Anyway, I was out running the other day, and I had a little, "Remember this, Heather?" moment with God as I looped Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Beauty Will Rise. I read Steven's wife's book, Choosing to See sometime in the year preceding Isaac's stillbirth. That in itself was a grace-gift to have read the story of their daughter Maria going to be with Jesus through a tragic auto accident. Jesus met Mary Beth so intimately through her journey of grief, and her story prepared me for a similar road I would walk. Anyway, as I listened to that song on my run, this one line jumped out at me. "I have seen the signs of spring." Yes! This. Of course. Moriah is a sign of spring! She is a piece of the beauty rising, but this is the amazing thing. She's just the beginning-- just a sign of the ultimate Spring!!!!!!!! The Kingdom of God is both "now" and "not yet." She is an enormous God-gift that is a fulfillment of my heart's longing and a restoration of my joy and my youth (Psalm 103:5). This is in the here and now. But one day, beauty rising will be taken to an entirely new level, because all that is good and right and true on this side of heaven is a foreshadowing of what is coming when all things are made new. Makes me giddy just thinking about that "Spring" day! I can't wait to hug Isaac and dance at the feet of the One who makes all things new!

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away!!!!!!!!!" (Rev. 21:4)

Laughing on her brother Isaac's quilt
made by the beautiful Brenda Lee

Laying on HER quilt made by beautiful Brenda Lee

All photos are compliments of Christine Cliatt. Thank you, Christine!!!

Naming Our Little Girl

The Lord named our little girl before she was even conceived. On my birthday last year (June 5th), He placed this name on my heart. I sobbed, wondering why a girl's name had come to my mind when we hadn't even agreed to move forward with having another child. Yet, I knew the Lord had placed this name on my heart. Within a week and a half, we were expecting!

Moriah

"Seen by Yahweh"
Moriah is also the region where Abraham took Isaac to offer him as a sacrifice. On that mountain, God provided a lamb instead. He always provides. Ultimately, God provided the Lamb-- Jesus Christ, the perfect atoning sacrifice once and for all!
Our prayer is that Moriah will be a little girl who knows how deeply she is seen by the Lord, and that she'll be a girl who truly sees others-- the weak, the outcast, the marginalized. May others see Jesus in and through her life!

Hope

"To expect, to trust with confidence."

God has profoundly sustained our hope in the midst of the last 17 months.  Now- greater faith, love, and joy are springing up! (Col. 1:5) 

In Moriah, the place of Abraham's surrender, God provides hope!

Isaac's "Should Have Been" 1 Year Birthday

Our Isaac's due date was November 7th, 2013. I usually carry our babes a good 8 or 9 days past their "due" dates. So-- sometime in the next few days, we would have been celebrating his 1st birthday. Especially today, I've tried to take an honest look at where my heart is in the grieving process, and the resounding thought that comes to mind is this: even in the darkest of days, we have not been without HOPE!  I know I've written about hope so many times, but it's a theme worth noting. Because really? Hope keeps us moving forward with anticipation for what is to come.

Fourteen months ago, HOPE meant one day we would see Isaac again. That Truth coursed so deeply through me that there were many times I'd just shake my head and think, "I should be way worse off than I am. I am hurting so deeply, crying- weeping!- a primal sort of wailing (as a dear sister, Jessica Aviles so aptly worded it), that I ought to be out in our woods burying myself under a pile of straw and leaves never to come out of the hole!" And yet, even in those worst of days, the Hope that we have because of what Christ accomplished for us on the cross has ruled and reigned in my heart in a profound way.

I came across a poem that I wrote last year on November 7th as Steve and I spent the afternoon out at Isaac's grave to pray and reflect. I intended to add more to it, but I never did. Maybe it's just how it was supposed to be:

In the crisp fall winds,

Surrounded by serenity and Grace.

All life around me proclaims,

A God worthy of my praise.

Confidently, I will declare, LORD: You are GOOD!

I cry out to you, oh LORD,

Soulful aching deep.

All I know is Isaac's gone,

Abiding. He in Your arms, I in Your grace.

Confidently, I will declare, LORD: You are GOOD!

HOPE-- it's what keeps us moving forward! Today, HOPE looks different. Not less. More. To be really honest, I am in awe of our God who comes so near to His creation (rebellious as we are!). A God who redeems and restores and brings beauty out of the ashes. "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.Isaiah 61:3 A God who pours out HOPE in abundance, such that this mommy's heart~ almost crushed beneath the weight of holding my stillborn son~ is being filled with joy. I can look back and say I am thankful for the the painful journey, because a grand deepening has happened in my heart. In the past, I honestly wasn't too able to relate to people who had suffered. I can no longer say that, and for that-- I am thankful. Sometimes, fires chisel us into something-- someone- more beautiful than before. The scars we carry are just that-- scars. But they're healed scars if we allow the Healer to do His work in us. They're marks of the hard things that have shaped us paired beautifully with the healing that Christ brings. So today? HOPE. It's even deeper than I knew it to be 14 months ago. I am living Isaiah 61:3 these days. Because now, not only do I have HOPE to see Isaac again one day. But I have the HOPE of meeting my sweet little girl who the Lord promised to us almost 7 years ago.

I am ok! Really-- I am good, friends! THANK YOU for praying for me. The journey of walking with the One who holds Isaac AND Steve, Ian, Tyler, Matthew, baby girl, AND me in His hands is the greatest adventure of all.

So tonight, sweet Isaac, know that we love you, and know that we are OK! One day we're going to have a grand birthday party of parties!!!

Confidently, I will declare, LORD: You are GOOD!

Baby, Baby!

Sweet Little One,

My child-- my fifth! You who are here because your big brother went to heaven way too soon. You who I've longed for, knowing that holding you would bring healing to my empty arms. No, not because you are the healer, but because the Healer uses His creation to rub close-- skin-close, womb-close-- and bring healing. You should know that you are loved and you are longed-for. You are treasured, and you're only the size of an avocado!

I have been praying peace over you, sweet baby--- that you, my little one, would one day be a powerful force of peace-- shalom-- in this world that desperately needs peace. Because the most powerful is most often the most different from what we might expect... a Carpenter. A Servant. A Washer of Feet. A Nazarene Rescuer. So may the peace that your life announces be powerful, because you are made in the image of the One who took on all of the world's "ugly" power to announce powerfully different news- the Kingdom! A Kingdom of Peace. Joy. Hope. Healing. Redemption. Restoration. From your tiniest of days, may you know, sweet baby, the Giver of Peace. May His peace rest heavily in and upon you, and may that peace radiate onto others like a thick, fluffy, warm blanket in winter!

Today, I am so excited! In just a few more hours, we'll (hopefully) get to discover whether you are a boy or a girl. Perspective changes things. So today-- I am excited either way, because I get to know you a little bit more!

You are a gift and a treasure, my child! Can't wait to call you by name one of these days soon!

Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

In Memory of Isaac Joseph Wilson

Thank you so much, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, for sending Krystina Stuart with How Beautiful Photography to spend her Labor Day morning with us last year. These pictures are a treasure to us. Thanks for making the video, too, Krystina.

Deep Waters

Twelve years ago, Steve and I "spent" five years' worth of slowly-collected skymiles to fly down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico to celebrate 5 years of marriage. For our honeymoon, we'd stayed in a humble little old cabin in the Rocky Mountains (Getting married at 22 years of age after just graduating from college didn't give us a lot of "play money," but we were married!!!), so we were pretty excited to have landed a snazzy trip down to a

fancy resort-- for a really good deal! Though it was an anniversary trip, we weren't quite ready to leave the newest member of our family home. So, we had a cute little blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy in tow, and you better believe he was an adored little man at Rancho Banderas for the week!

One day, we decided to take a boat ride out to Islas Marietas off the coast of Banderas Bay. It seemed like a perfectly good idea. Snorkeling in the beautiful waters bordering a tiny island. A small fishing boat, a skilled young boat driver, and a 5 mile ride out into the ocean. With our 11 month old baby boy. And a lot of waves. On a tiny fishing boat. FLYING over said waves. And no baby-sized life jackets. What seemed to be an extremely

This was before the ride began!

adventurous and fun excursion quickly turned into one of the most terrifying stretches of time in my life! I squeezed Ian in my arms as we lurched back and forth over the waves--trying as hard as I could not to imagine the "what-if's" of little Ian flying out of my arms and sinking into the depths! By the time we made it out to the island, the driver couldn't actually pull onto shore (he didn't have rights to the beach area), so he just kept the boat floating in the deep waves. We were to just jump out of the boat and snorkel around. Steve and I took turns, but I was already so stressed and nauseous that I couldn't even get my breathing calmed down enough to take much of a peek around beneath the dividing line of oxygen and H2O. I pulled myself back into the boat and grabbed onto Ian once again, praying we could just be back to shore.

Obviously, Steve, Ian, and I all survived to tell the story!  It is a story that still sends shivers through my body when I think about it!

I find myself riding on some pretty deep waters once again. This time, the waters look a lot different though. They are waters that surround a new life growing inside of me! Yes! I. Am. Pregnant. Again!

I knew since the week after I birthed Isaac's still body last September 1st that I just couldn't end pregnancy, childbirth, and "baby-land" that way. I knew I really wanted to be pregnant again, but there was no hurry for that. I've been on a journey into the depths this year, and as difficult as the journey has been, it's a journey for which I am so thankful. (More on that in another blog one day!) I have in no way wanted to rush toward a "solution" for my aching in order to somehow avoid the deep wrestlings of my soul. I knew that grieving well was (and will be, I suspect, for the rest of my life) super important. A lot happens between the fall and the springtime in the dormancy and life of a seed, right? A transformation happens, and the Lord assured me that the dormancy was a really good thing for me.

Remember the cocoon I wrote about? I feel like that cocoon is cracking open slowly but surely. Actually, in the springtime, I began feeling that I was starting to see the light once again-- albeit through a tiny crack in the edge of my figurative cocoon. In May, the Lord carried Steve and me through a hard little season of wrestling through what was to be next in terms of our family. Then, in June, we had a really, really fun (and I might add~ productive!) time celebrating Steve's graduation from Fuller Seminary out in Pasadena, California. On June 27th, we found out that we're expecting again! I'm no spring chicken, so it's a gift that I got pregnant in 1 month's time! We were a bit shocked and excited all in one! The day after we found out, the Lord woke me up with this scripture:

 [He] satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:5

 It's hard to put into words the immense pain of birthing a stillborn child unless you're a mom who has walked this hard journey. Likewise, it's hard to express the array of emotions surrounding carrying another child after walking through such deep loss. Excitement. Sheer awe of the privilege of carrying another child. Tears just thinking about hearing this baby's newborn cry for the first time. And let's just be honest. Down-right FEAR. So the verse above? It's a verse I keep going back to as the tumultuous waves of fear like to rear their ugly peaks in my heart and mind sometimes. Yes, He satisfies our desires with good things so that our youth is renewed like the eagle's. The first half-- yes, Lord. And the second half of that? I've often felt like a crippled, old, wrinkled lady through my months of grief, and He's reminding me that He is renewing my youth!

A friend of a friend of mine has a beautiful blog, and she's expressed so much of what I've thought and felt (I hope this is ok with you, Kate who I've never met!). One day her blog was titled, "When My Fear Encounters My God." In it, she writes, 

"But what happens when the thing you fear is not irrational but rational? What happens when the thing you fear has happened before and there is no calculated or determined reason why, therefore no way to prevent it from happening again... like the death of a baby." She goes on to say, "The answer for me, right now, today, is that I can face my fears with confidence because I already know the end of the story. I already know that victory and rescue are waiting. Love is waiting. Hope is waiting. The light that no amount of darkness can penetrate is a lantern in every opaque night ahead of me. The goal is not "do not fear," but rather, face this present fear with courage, hope and trust in the 100% totality of Jesus and let the peace of Christ transcend all my human understanding. One of two realities will always be true.... Jesus will either extinguish my fear or hold me in the storm, and in both cases, my chant is clear, my confidence is singular... He has overcome! Peace is not a feeling. It is a reality you come to know when trembling in the arms of the One who is Peace. Peace is a person."

Of course, multiple times in the Word, we are told, "Do not fear." But I think that's because fear is a logical consequence of the brokenness in which we live. God knows this, and He continually reassures us that He is WITH us. I read a book by Sheila Walsh called Extraordinary Faith 10 years ago. I really resonated with her definition of faith. She said something to the effect of, "Faith is my soul's unswerving gaze on Christ no matter what the circumstance." It made so much more sense to me than the often-times "name it claim it" theology of faith that tends to float around our American culture. It's resonated a lot with me this year, and it resonates deeply now because what I really KNOW is that Jesus is truly, deeply, and intimately WITH me. No matter what. Jesus is worthy of my soul's unswerving gaze.

The Lord placed a rainbow in the sky directly out our hospital window the morning after Isaac was born. We're holding onto His goodness and His promise and asking that this our 5th child would be a healthy, strong little one who is full of the peace of God- so much so that he/she will just announce peace with his/her presence. (That might sound wierd? But it's what the Lord has had me praying over this little one!)

What I know deep in my bones is that no matter what, He. Is. With. Us. And He is near.
Thank you Jesus for this new little gift!

Coming around March 7th, 2015!!!

     

We found out while we were at the beach with my family, so here's how we revealed the news to mom and dad! We made a pregnant sand lady. HA!

Deserts Will Bloom

I'd like to start this post by letting you all know how deeply grateful I am for you, my friends, my readers, my prayer warriors. When I DO write, it's because I know that writing forces me to seriously wrestle with what's going on deep inside of me and to put words or pictures to those deep places. It's helpful for me because so much of the time I'm just plain busy. And I think that all of the rumblings in my brain will somehow magically just stay there in my "endless" memory bank. Ha! If you've ever been on your own journey of grief, you might have experienced something similar; I feel like I've lost half my brain since Isaac went to heaven. (My memory is something I pray that Jesus will restore, because it really IS extremely fuzzy at times.) Anyway, please know I am incredibly thankful for you!

And apparently, this post was going to be about deserts blooming, but I never finished it after starting it in June or July sometime. I guess what I really needed to say was THANK YOU. I'll be writing again soon. :-)