If
you've ever gone through serious grieving, you know that there is a
constant rush of thoughts careening through your brain. Sometimes you
want to shut down and just NOT think about what you've lived through,
but as long as you're alive, your brain keeps working! LIFE is, after
all, a gift! Anyway,
I desperately wanted to be able to push “record” and somehow have
the entirety of my experience- my thoughts, emotions, feelings,-
every detail- etched in stone. The sights. The smells. The sounds.
The weight of him in my arms. The way
he smelled of newborn baby after delivering
him. The
what-became-20/20-in-hindsight whispers from Jesus leading
up to the day I delivered him. All of
it.
In
lieu of a “record” button, I wrote
throughout the fall of 2013. I wish
the writing could capture
it all.
Alas, I have my heart, and where the
written words fail, I'm thankful my heart seems to weave together a
tapestry of photos, words, and emotions.
I
love you forever, Isaac Joseph, and I anticipate the day I can hold
you again. Happy 3rd
Heaven Day, my 4th
son.
In
honor of Isaac's 3rd
Heaven Day, I thought I'd share some of my writing from that fall of
2013. Some of it you may have read
since I incorporated some of the social media posts I was making
along the way to communicate with
our beloved community. So, pardon if it reads a bit choppy for that
reason. My prayer is that you will be encouraged in your journey
toward Jesus, and that you'll see the beauty of responding to His
nudges. Truly, you, our community, our people-- the body of
Christ!!-- were used by our almighty God to support us in a way that is more profound than I can
begin to express. Thank you.
The
dark night of my soul.
The dark night that gave way to deep, deep
Light amidst it all.
__________________________________________________________________________________
September
3, 2013
Four and
a half days ago, my world was rocked. I will never be the same. What
went wrong, sweet baby boy? What went wrong?
A couple
weeks ago at church, we sang this really beautiful song. We were
there worshipping our forever King. Sometimes you sing a song and
don't really focus in on every word. Well that day, though I'd sung
it before, God had me really focus in on one phrase. That phrase was,
"Valleys make room for the river of God." I stood singing,
contemplating the truth of that phrase. I had no idea that God was
going before me/us for the events that have unfolded---events that
are a result of living in this fractured kingdom. When we found out
last Thursday night, Aug. 29th that our son [at 30 weeks gestation]
was already in the arms of Jesus, I understood why the Lord had so
impressed my heart with that song.
There's
more to the story; a whole lot more. The intimate, loving detail with
which God has poured Himself into us over the past week has been
nothing
short
of breath-taking. Are we hurting? Do we weep? Do we long to see
Isaac? YES. But I keep choosing to see the goodness of God all around
me in the middle of it all. THANK YOU ALL for praying for us, for
weeping with us, for cooking, cleaning, cutting our hair, sharing
scriptures that the Lord gives you for us, for blessing our boys with
treats that have especially ministered to them. The Body of Christ is
amazing.
(A thank
you note I wrote to my dear friend. You'll see why...)
Jessica,
THANK YOU for sending that CD over to me last Sunday morning as we
started labor.... I had meant to specifically ASK Wendy to figure out
that song and put it on a mix, but I forgot to ask her for that
detail. I started weeping when i saw the song title, “Never Run
Dry” on the Nate Moore CD you gave us. And of course, that's why we
asked Amanda to sing that one! See what I mean? God has been so in
the details! And Nate
Moore--
You may never know how deeply God has used your entire CD to carry us
through this "dark night of the soul" week in our lives.
THANK YOU.
Jessica's
response to me: Oh wow. Heather, I am only just learning now that you
were going to ask Wendy for it. That is truly amazing. I felt
compelled to ask Nancy Moore for a copy late Saturday night. Thanks
to Nancy for bringing it to me Sunday morning. Thanks for delivering
it, Paul Vaughan. Thanks for writing truth, Nate Moore. Thanks for
sharing your faith, Heather.)
_____________________________________________________________________________
I'll be posting more of my writing, little by little. I believe so strongly in sharing our stories; if we choose the path of vulnerability, we not only open the door to our own healing, but we invite others on the journey toward healing as well.
Later today, we'll head out to Honey Creek Woodlands as a family. We'll share some tears, because wow, do we miss getting to be in the front-row seats watching our little man grow up! But we'll also laugh together, eat some rice krispy treat birthday "cake," and remember the kindness of God to have opened our eyes more fully to His intimate presence in our lives...even through the darkest night!
I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness;
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all-- oh, how well I remember--
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
GOD'S loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How GREAT your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with GOD.
Lamentations 3:19-24
The Message
