Isaac's "Should Have Been" 1 Year Birthday

Our Isaac's due date was November 7th, 2013. I usually carry our babes a good 8 or 9 days past their "due" dates. So-- sometime in the next few days, we would have been celebrating his 1st birthday. Especially today, I've tried to take an honest look at where my heart is in the grieving process, and the resounding thought that comes to mind is this: even in the darkest of days, we have not been without HOPE!  I know I've written about hope so many times, but it's a theme worth noting. Because really? Hope keeps us moving forward with anticipation for what is to come.

Fourteen months ago, HOPE meant one day we would see Isaac again. That Truth coursed so deeply through me that there were many times I'd just shake my head and think, "I should be way worse off than I am. I am hurting so deeply, crying- weeping!- a primal sort of wailing (as a dear sister, Jessica Aviles so aptly worded it), that I ought to be out in our woods burying myself under a pile of straw and leaves never to come out of the hole!" And yet, even in those worst of days, the Hope that we have because of what Christ accomplished for us on the cross has ruled and reigned in my heart in a profound way.

I came across a poem that I wrote last year on November 7th as Steve and I spent the afternoon out at Isaac's grave to pray and reflect. I intended to add more to it, but I never did. Maybe it's just how it was supposed to be:

In the crisp fall winds,

Surrounded by serenity and Grace.

All life around me proclaims,

A God worthy of my praise.

Confidently, I will declare, LORD: You are GOOD!

I cry out to you, oh LORD,

Soulful aching deep.

All I know is Isaac's gone,

Abiding. He in Your arms, I in Your grace.

Confidently, I will declare, LORD: You are GOOD!

HOPE-- it's what keeps us moving forward! Today, HOPE looks different. Not less. More. To be really honest, I am in awe of our God who comes so near to His creation (rebellious as we are!). A God who redeems and restores and brings beauty out of the ashes. "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.Isaiah 61:3 A God who pours out HOPE in abundance, such that this mommy's heart~ almost crushed beneath the weight of holding my stillborn son~ is being filled with joy. I can look back and say I am thankful for the the painful journey, because a grand deepening has happened in my heart. In the past, I honestly wasn't too able to relate to people who had suffered. I can no longer say that, and for that-- I am thankful. Sometimes, fires chisel us into something-- someone- more beautiful than before. The scars we carry are just that-- scars. But they're healed scars if we allow the Healer to do His work in us. They're marks of the hard things that have shaped us paired beautifully with the healing that Christ brings. So today? HOPE. It's even deeper than I knew it to be 14 months ago. I am living Isaiah 61:3 these days. Because now, not only do I have HOPE to see Isaac again one day. But I have the HOPE of meeting my sweet little girl who the Lord promised to us almost 7 years ago.

I am ok! Really-- I am good, friends! THANK YOU for praying for me. The journey of walking with the One who holds Isaac AND Steve, Ian, Tyler, Matthew, baby girl, AND me in His hands is the greatest adventure of all.

So tonight, sweet Isaac, know that we love you, and know that we are OK! One day we're going to have a grand birthday party of parties!!!

Confidently, I will declare, LORD: You are GOOD!